What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
