Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
