glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
