Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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