I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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