When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Randomize
