Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
