The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
