Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize