census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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