My balls are so social today.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize