Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
