When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
