Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am one with the molecules
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
