mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
