The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
