it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
