My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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