yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
