you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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