what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
