If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
