there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
