shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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