Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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