Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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