somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
you made out with another girl for some wings
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
