if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
