John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
