I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
