He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
