I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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