I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
