the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
