Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
