I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
