Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
