My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
