i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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