I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
