No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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