All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
