Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just found puke in my bra..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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