I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize