The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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