Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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