I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
