i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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