i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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