I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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