I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
zippers are such a cool invention
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
