Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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