We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
