a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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