Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
