I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
